Dear Brian Thomas Clay,
Today, it is your birthday.
That means you go from being old to being ancient.
But don't worry. I will change your diapers and make you oatmeal for all three meals.
*Disclaimer: Yes, Brian is like a brother. No, we are not dating. No, there is nothing "cute" about us. Yes, we have been told that many times. No, it means nothing to us. Yes, I am the only person who can call him old, make fun of his wrinkles, and tell him he's a jerk. If you do, I will probably beat your face.